Friday, February 17, 2012

I Carry Your Heart With Me

Wow. I can't believe it's been 3 months since I've blogged. So much has happened. I just logged on to share one little thing but so much has happened since my last blog I feel like I should share at least some of it. So how bout I just tell you about yesterday quickly then post what I came for tonight.

Yesterday was 11 months since Owen passed away, that seems so unreal. In a way it feels like just yesterday that I held him in my arms as he gasped for his very last breath in this world and went to live forever in another. In other ways it seems like an entire lifetime ago - everytime I use the phrase a lifetime ago in respect to Owen I can't help but think about his actual lifetime and realize it's been almost two lifetimes ago.

Yesterday morning as I was getting ready for work, Ed was ironing his work clothes and I mentioned to him that it was the 16th. Before I could completely get it out of my mouth I got the hiccups - I didn't immediately realize it. I walked through the house and when I got back to Ed I said, I have the hiccups. He smiled at me and said I know, he had noticed. I said I got them right when I mentioned Owen, he said, I know. Now I know there are quite a few things that immediately make me think of Owen (hiccups, rainbows, ladybugs, the wind . . . ) but it just reaffirmed for me one more time that Owen wants me to be okay and he WANTS me to know that he's ALWAYS with us.

As I was thinking of him and time and him being with me all the time and me being with him I thought of a poem that I LOVE. I haven't read it in respect to him but once I did I realized it was absolutely perfect. Whether it's been 11 months or 11 years this poem is so true. [Just a sidenote - anyone who knows me knows I cringe anytime I see a lowercase i in emails and such - but for authenticity I'm typing it exactly as the author wrote it - so don't think I'm just being careless - LOL - okay I'm done now] Here it is:

[i carry your heart with me(i carry it in]
by E.E. Cummings

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear;and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
i fear
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

Owen, I carry you with me always and I know you're always there. You are my heart and I'm a part of yours. Now I try harder to always think before I speak or act, so that the things I do glorify God and make you proud to tell all the other angels that I'm your mom. I can't imagine a world in which you never existed - everything we went through was worth it to have you as a part of our world for as long as we had you and a part of our life for as long as we live. We love you son. Sweet dreams.

1 comment:

  1. Love this poem Jerica. I think of you daily. Actually, Madison took Owens book off the shelf yesterday and said, "Owen gave this to me." I said "What?!". I think I scared her by the way I said it because I was shocked at what she had said. I read that book to her often and she knows the name, Owen, but it still made me tear up. He has forever touched my heart and my soul, as you and Ed have as well. Much love to you :) I hope you are doing well.