I wrote this (well, started writing it) on 12/31/2011 in preparation of the New Year. I didn't finish it. Tonight (4/6/12) I stumbled upon Owen's blog to read one little thing. Remembering how I was feeling this past New Year's I was compelled to read that blog but before I could, I remembered that my New Years 2010 blog was especially good - at least I thought so -and I wanted to read it first then read the 2011 one because my feelings about New Years were completely different. Well, much to my surprise after reading the 2010 New Years Blog I couldn't find 2011's. I knew that I had written one. I remembered feeling how I felt and I even remembered re-reading the previous year's blog before I wrote this year's blog. But there between November 2011 and February 2012 was NO BLOG for New Years. I checked my drafts - I had to - it was that feeling when you know you know something but can't prove it. I knew I had written something and there in my drafts was my New Year's blog for 2011. Unfinished and unpublished. So tonight - over 3 months later I'm posting my New Year's blog - still unfinished but still worth posting all this time later. So here goes:
December 31, 2011
I've always LOVED New Year's - just look at my blog from last New Year's Eve. Ed proposed to me on New Year's because he knew how much I loved it, with all it's possibilities of what the new year would bring. But this year the thought of starting a new year is almost unbearable. Amazingly enough I held it all together through the Christmas holidays (mostly) but here I am on the Eve of the New Year falling completely apart asking now, of all times, for time to stand still.
As hard as 2011 was for all of us I just don't want to close the book on the year because Owen was part of 2011 and I just can't bare the thought of having to leave him behind. I know it's kind of ridiculous but us parents of angel babies get to be kind of ridiculous from time to time. I know Owen left us months ago but to think of moving on to a chapter of our lives that he won't be any part of hurts so bad. Yet at the same time I know that for the rest of our lives he will be part of us and part of our future.
I think I worry more that others will forget him and leave him behind. That as time goes on his memory will fade in the hearts of those who knew and loved him. I know we all move on and it's natural for us to do so but to think of it just hurts so bad . . .