Tuesday, September 6, 2011

Happy Birthday Angel Baby!

A Letter to Owen on His Birthday!

I keep wondering what it must be like to celebrate a birthday in heaven.  I imagine that angels woke you up singing a beautiful song - probably Grammy's version of "I love you Owen" with a line of Happy Birthday at the end.  I imagine you spent the whole day walking with Jesus - yes I'm sure you're walking now.  You probably took some time to paint the skies and I guess you must have been excited and flapped your angel wings when you heard mommy and daddy talking to you.  We could feel the wonderful breezes all the way down here.  Yes, I imagine today was the most wonderful birthday ever spent in the entire history of the world and that makes everything a little bit easier for mommy today.

Meanwhile, here it was a beautiful day and everyone remembered you sweetie.  Today so many people prayed for Mommy & Daddy and we felt you lift us up throughout the day.  Grammy & Granny decided today that your birthday wish - if you were here to make it would have been for a baby brother or baby sister - grandpa and Papi D agreed with them.  We'll see.  Daddy and I cried some today but that's just because we miss you so much.  We are very proud of the little warrior you were and how hard you fought to stay here on Earth with us.  I got really upset the other day - because I wanted to hold you so bad and I knew I was being selfish but I decided it was okay for me to be selfish for a few minutes.  Don't worry - I didn't get angry, just sad.  I just miss you but I'm glad you are all better now. 

I thought a lot about what my wishes would be for you and I realized that there's nothing I can wish for you that you don't already have.  You're safe, you're healed, and I know you must be happy.  All of my wishes are for me and the things I miss but I know that God answered our prayers and healed you the best way that he could and that gives me peace.  I know you are with us and I know you know when we need you most because you're always there right then.  I feel you when the wind blows and in other quiet moments.  I love you Owen.

I hope you got the balloons we sent you today.  There were 9 - there would have been 10 but your daddy accidentally popped one and we left two at your headstone - maybe they'll break free and find you later - I didn't tie them too tight and the wind was blowing awfully hard.  Pastor equated that to a storm of angels - I believe today there really could have been that many angels with your daddy and me all day, especially when we had to be strong and go out to the cemetery this afteroon.  We wanted to do something special for you today so we got some cupcakes and we made you some promises.  There are things I want to do for you, or in honor of you, things I've never done before, things that scare me or intimidate me, but nonetheless, I'm here and I think if you taught me anything it was to live life fully and I want to do that to honor you.  So help me out when you feel I need some extra encouragement - Grammy & Granny just wished for you a brother or sister because they said that was all they could think you might would want - I think we both know that maybe they want that a little themselves? Whatcha think?  I love you Owen.  I miss you and no other will ever take your place in our lives but I know you'd be a great big brother so we'll see.  You can talk to God about it and when you guys decide what's right for Mommy & Daddy we will trust you guys.  I love you man.  I sure am proud of you.  Nothing I will ever do in my lifetime will compare to what you have done in yours.  I'm so glad I was able to be a part of it and I count it the greatest blessing of my life to have been your Mom.  I have no regrets about your life and while I could have never expected I'd spend my first child's first birthday blowing out candles in a cemetery I wouldn't change the fact that you were mine for anything in the world.  I love you so much and God chose you for us for a reason. 

I hope you had the best birthday ever baby!  I'm really excited about your big party coming up this weekend.  I know you'll be smiling down on us.  We love you son.  Happy 1st Birthday!