Wednesday, January 16, 2013

Heaven & Home

Today has been a really tough day for a lot of people and my little Owen has been on my mind a lot today. I told a friend a couple of weeks ago that for the most part I'm okay and I am. There are about 5 specific days a year I can count on being unbearable and then ever so often a day catches me off guard - and those days are so much harder than the ones I anticipate.  It makes sense too I suppose, I mean afterall if we know something bad is coming we can prepare ourselves mentally & emotionally to embrace it. We can even busy ourselves to make it easier - but when it sneaks up on you it's so much harder.  

Here's a condensed backstory on today (for those of you reading this who don't live in my hometown).  Four months & ten days ago, on what would have been Owen's 2nd birthday, three precious boys from Sneads tragically lost their lives in a fatal car accident.  Teddy, Bo, and Brandon were all good as gold by all accounts and that afternoon after leaving school they went and joined Owen with our father in Heaven.  The small town they left behind is forever changed.  These boys will never be forgotten. 

So what does that have to do with today? Well today would have been Teddy's sixteenth birthday.  Of the three I only knew Teddy & Bo but really it was more I knew of them, knew their families well, but truth is I didn't really know the boys on a personal level. Even so, I hurt for the loss I know their families feel.  

I feel it's important that I really clarify some things because I don't want anyone to think I'm trying to get attention or that I'm hi-jacking a day where attention should be on Teddy & all I'm thinking about is my Owen - I know someone will tell me I'm crazy for that statement but nonetheless I feel the need to say that.  Truth is its because of Teddy that I've been thinking about Owen all day & as hard as today has been in grateful for the reminders of my baby even the hard ones.  

A part of me feels like these boys lives are tragically intertwined. The day I celebrate the sweet gift that Owen was to us will forever be the worst day of those parents lives. And tonight as Ed and I were talking about Little Teddy's sixteenth birthday over our dinner I realized suddenly that today marks 22 months since I've held my precious baby in my arms.  My heart is so broken tonight not just for Owen but for those boys families too.  I know too that those three moms hearts broke for me when I lost Owen. We are all forever connected not just by dates & events but through our losses too. 

So I'm going to attempt to turn this post around because so far it's quite depressing. I want people to understand I think about and talk about Owen daily and usually it is with ease and very casual so it's not like I never think about him & when I do I fall to pieces.  It's really quite the opposite.  Especially lately, I find I mention my pregnancy with Owen a lot - comparing it to this pregnancy. I share Owen's story with people who don't know it - in a very matter of fact way. I can sometimes even share specific memories or stories without so much as a crack or tremble in my voice. But then there's this kind of day. In a moment I'm back on the couch with him watching him take his very last breath and I can't breath, I can't see through the tears, and I worry they will never stop falling from my eyes. Sometimes I do feel cheated - one time I even asked God why me?!!!  But after awhile the tears do finally stop and I can catch my breath and I remember it never was about me. I have no doubts that Owen is in a better place and he's okay. He never has to be sick again. He will never seize until he turns blue from lack of oxygen again. He will never throw up or even have to feel one ounce of pain ever again. And that alone is worth every single thing we will never "get" with Owen - because it's not about us.

I have a really hard time picturing heaven but I think that's only because I know it's so much better than anything I could ever envision.  I know though that my Father is there and my baby is there too. I've already bought my ticket - well actually Jesus paid my way but I claimed my place whenever my time is up.

Over dinner after our talk about Teddy while I was thinking about Owen something occurred to me - who knows maybe Owen whispered the thought into my subconscious? Maybe we were his heaven and heaven was always meant to be his home? Makes complete sense to me.