Thursday, March 24, 2011
This morning I had a list of things to do to be productive - starting with a shower - yes it was on the list - had to happen.
But as my foot touched the towel stepping out of the shower I felt as though a hand was pushing on my chest and that's when it hit me, yesterday was a week ago that I lost my precious Owen.
A storm of emotions came over me but none as strong as the question - how could you not realize that yesterday?! You, Jerica, someone who never forgets a birthday, remembers the anniversary of everything, you're a counter, a numbers person, how could you not think about it once yesterday - what kind of mother doesn't stop and think it's been a week?! Then I thought I bet hundreds of the people who love and support us and have been praying for us stopped at some time yesterday and thought, it's been a week since Owen died.
I'm feeling more emotion writing it than I initially felt, so as I fight the tears away now I can tell you the only logical answer I have for those questions is that God didn't want me to remember yesterday.
I mean it's only been a few days since we laid him to rest. And time is so fluid, half the time it's standing stilll and the rest of the time it's flying by. Ed and I have done so much to stay busy could we both have forgotten - not forgotten but not remembered either. The point is that I didn't remember or think about it - me, his mother, how could I not?
What would I have done differently had I realized it yesterday, would I have locked myself in the house? Would I have gone back to bed and cried for hours? How does that honor Owen's memory, how does that glorify God? No one tells you what you're supposed to do when your child dies.
I talked about Owen a lot yesterday. I wore the beautiful necklace that my friend Karen gave me with Owen's picture in it. I decided yesterday that I'm not going to apologize to anyone for wearing it. I asked Ed if it bothered him, that I didn't want to upset him by having to look at it all the time while I wore it and he said, "Baby I look at his picture everyday why would it bother me?" Neither one of us have changed our wallpaper on our phones, I have a recent picture of Owen and Ed has one of him & Owen taking a nap together and we keep pictures of Owen on just about every wall of the house.
I decided yesterday that I'm going to wear my necklace though, proudly, and hope that it will remind people of Owen and his fight to live, remind them that every moment with those we love is precious, remind them that the time to live is now because we're not promised tomorrow, remind them to pray, to love, to really really live.
Yesterday, a week after I last held Owen in my arms, last walked with him and talked with him face to face, I did some great things in his memory. God has put on my heart that it doesn't honor Owen or God to wallow in my misery, to be consumed by grief, or to sink into a depression. My Owen wanted to live so bad, he fought so hard, and in the end he just couldn't but how can I - a person in decent health, with every opportunity to go and do whatever I choose how can I squander that away? It's my responsibility to Owen, I feel, to get up everyday and live, really live the days that I have left here & most importantly live in Christ that I may see Owen again sometime.
I still can't believe that I didn't think about how long it'd been yesterday, but I really do believe that maybe God wanted me to realize that how long isn't important. Owen is always in my heart and I don't think God wants me keeping count of how long it's been since I've seen him, he only wants us all to know that when we see him again it will be for eternity and that's what really matters in the end.
I'm sure I'll fall short again, I'll beat myself up, and I'll get over it but I won't forget Owen ever. I didn't forget him yesterday I just didn't dwell on his death. I focused on what I could do to continue his legacy, to remember him, and to make sure others remember him too.
So today, a week and a day after Owen passed, I'm going to finish my list for the day, I'm going to run some errands, pick up some more stuffed animals, place a 31 order, rake my yard (maybe), and get ready for dinner with some friends. Life's too precious not to be out living it. That's one of the many things Owen taught me. I think to myself it's not fair that Owen wanted so bad to be here and isn't but it's even more unfair for me to be here and not be living my life to the fullest. So that's what we're going to do and I hope you will too.
Love to you all.